I have struggled with hypochondria on and off since I was 16. This is the fear of dying, thinking I have diseases I don’t have, and convincing my self that even mild pain is related to something bigger thats slowly killing me. When I type it out it sounds absolutely ridiculous but it’s real. If I’m feeling fine physically I don’t have much anxiety or depression. If something is off though… a stomach ache, a cold, any illness I go into full blown panic mode. For the last three months I’ve been dealing with a health issue. It’s nothing that will kill me but it’s frustrating, unpleasant, and scares me. I start wondering if there is something more serious going on that I’m not aware of. I have a lot of stomach pain and I have panic attacks at night because I start to worry that I’m actually dying. Every day we hear about people getting diagnosed with cancer and other life threatening illnesses. I’m terrified that I’m next.
I don’t want to let this fear exist though. I don’t want to think this way and just writing this and putting the words down shows me how ridiculous it is. The fear that I carry with me every day is actually worse than the physical pain I feel. What I put myself through mentally is completely unnecessary and makes my life miserable. But it’s all in my head. I’m creating all of it and putting myself through hell for no reason. I’m aware that if I actually am dying then worrying about it is not going to help. In fact it will probably make it worse because stress weakens your immune system. I’m tired of letting my anxiety define me.
I’ve been laying in bed for almost three days, barely able to work and uninspired to make music. My anxiety is debilitating. My heart races, I feel depressed, I’m weak, and have no energy. All I can do is worry. The more I worry the worse I feel and the worse I feel the more I worry. It’s a vicious cycle and I do not want to live life like this. I’ve felt this before and I was prescribed anti anxiety medication which I took for two years and actually quit in May. It made me a robot. I don’t want to be a robot. I want to be normal and I want to control my anxiety and get through it.
How many other people are suffering from this. Anxiety can ruin your life. It’s crazy because we invent it, we allow it, and it’s not REAL.
I have the most amazing life. Everything I’ve ever wanted is finally happening but I’m not enjoying it because I’m too busy worrying. I want to put a stop to this. I’m acknowledging that it’s ridiculous and I’m putting this out there for anyone else who has a similar problem. I want to be in control again. My anxiety is not serving me. Worrying will not help the situation. I’ve worried about dying before and it’s never been real. It’s all in my head. I want to break the cycle once and for all. Release from worry.
Thanks for sharing something so personal, Roniit. I’m struggling with some similar issues myself and have just started new medication for the condition, so it’s so good hear I’m not alone with this kind of struggle. I wish you all the best and hope it improves soon.